So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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