i don't plan on having that self control this summer
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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