When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
