Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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