I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize