Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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