I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
