THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
