im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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