ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i now understand why vodka
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
