There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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