o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
