I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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