Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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