Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
