Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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