Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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