Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
