I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
