I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
