Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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