I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
