Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
