life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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