i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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