i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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