went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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