i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
