Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
only you would photoshop your dick
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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