8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
