dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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