dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you win again, gameday.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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