Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
