"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
