I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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