I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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