I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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