you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize