So drunk, too bad you don't want this
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
