why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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