if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
