Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
