After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How external is "for external use only"?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
