So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
