Betty ford says i'm here all night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
