No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
