Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
