i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
