i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
