I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
