So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
