Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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