is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
