I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
