i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
