I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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