When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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