if you like me you must not know who I am
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
