The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
