I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
