Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
