tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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