Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
