Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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